Wah! I'm oficially using the company computer now for my own consumption. Hahaha! No, I'm just using the company computer at the pantry. We could access our email accounts here and all that web jazz. But we can't get through friendster and myspace (bummer). But thank God I could access my blog.
Moving on, I'm pretty much ok with the whole new "corporate environment". Though I miss my college friends (People! I miss you! You've been invisible in my life lately!), I'm ok.
What else? Damn! I can't think of anything else to blog coz everything has been so confidential lately and I don't want to blog the good things happening to me so they won't be "jinxed". But I'm back to teaching my girls again. I'm so happy for that. I miss them so much and the day I started teaching them again, I was really happy. They even are more behave now and they don't give me a hard time anymore. Maybe, they did miss me. Well, they told me they missed me but I wouldn't know if they just said that out of respect. I wouldn't know.
Ok, I guess that's it for now. I'll put more stuff next time. Oh, I'm missing this random guy at school. Hahaha!
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Ok..... Drama..... Drama..... Drama..... I'm slowly getting over the drama that haunted me over the past couple of weeks. But it still lurks around coz I still miss my old life! I've gotten over my new schedule and the people I see everyday but I still want to see the people I used to see in school that's why I go to school anytime that I can but everyone's so busy to meet me. I haven't seen him yet and it's almost a month now.
I'm having mixed emotions now. Probably because I'm at a crossroad of my life and I'm alone though I know my mom's there for me and my friends are also there for me, it doesn't feel the same. It's like mom's a step ahead of me and I have to reach her and my friends are a step behind me and I have to go ahead coz they'll eventually follow. I don't know..... Everything is just so complicated and I feel so alone.
First weeks at work were good. I was so surprised to see Lawrence, my schoolmate in UP Baguio at Convergys which made me feel a bit comfortable at work. Then my trainer is from UPLB and his sister was my classmate in UP CMC. I wonder how many UP people work in Convergys. I wanna meet them all. I guess I'll probably meet them at the Christmas party. I actually like this year's theme-- Mardi Gras. I already have a dress in mind. Haha! Too bad I can't bring a friend at the party. I'd certainly like to bring him (this guy from college) to the party but of course, I don't have the right to ask him and if I do, would he care to come with me?
I guess, it's about time for me to face things alone. I'm all by myself now and I can't do anything about it.
I'm having mixed emotions now. Probably because I'm at a crossroad of my life and I'm alone though I know my mom's there for me and my friends are also there for me, it doesn't feel the same. It's like mom's a step ahead of me and I have to reach her and my friends are a step behind me and I have to go ahead coz they'll eventually follow. I don't know..... Everything is just so complicated and I feel so alone.
First weeks at work were good. I was so surprised to see Lawrence, my schoolmate in UP Baguio at Convergys which made me feel a bit comfortable at work. Then my trainer is from UPLB and his sister was my classmate in UP CMC. I wonder how many UP people work in Convergys. I wanna meet them all. I guess I'll probably meet them at the Christmas party. I actually like this year's theme-- Mardi Gras. I already have a dress in mind. Haha! Too bad I can't bring a friend at the party. I'd certainly like to bring him (this guy from college) to the party but of course, I don't have the right to ask him and if I do, would he care to come with me?
I guess, it's about time for me to face things alone. I'm all by myself now and I can't do anything about it.
Would you believe, I played Drama Queen for a day last November 5-- the day before my very first day at Convergys. I practically cried almost the whole day. I was so sad and maybe afraid that I just broke down and cried. Maybe all the emotions I have since I realized I'm gonna start being on my own-- like a hundred per cent on my own-- just "exploded".
Let me just analyze bit by bit so I could get a better perspective on this whole drama. Drama..... Months ago I wished for drama in my life but now that drama's in my life, I'm freakin'. Where do I start? Ok.....
DRAMA #1
Though I still have my thesis to finish, I'm not a full time student anymore but a newbie in a reputable company. So from a pampered (well, not really coz people don't consider me as their Royal Highness) student, I'm now one of the latest additions to the world of yuppies. I won't be spending most of my time in school except for thesis consultations which makes me sad coz I'm gonna miss school. As in everything in school. From my friends to the classes, to the cafeteria food to my allowances. FYI: my mom loves transitions so when she found out of my hustling schemes in college, she didn't pull out my whole allowance. She cut half every semester til I have no right to spend her money without paying her back. Nice of my mom to do that coz I was FORCED to be responsible with my own money. So there's a change in my social and financial environment.
DRAMA #2
Remember me blogging about keeping my other jobs? I had no choice but to drop one. What's sad was I had to drop my most favorite job-- teaching. To make it worse, it all happened so fast without giving me and the kids a chance to gradually accept I won't see them anymore. I didn't know what my schedule at work will be but I was certain it won't be in conflict with the time I spend with the girls. It was only the weekend before I start my job did I get my final schedule. The company gave me the 3pm to 11pm schedule. I usually teach them at around 3pm. See the conflict? Everything was so sudden coz that Saturday afternoon we were all happy having lunch and talking and no one knew that would be my last day with them. But if it's true that schedules in call centers change every month, I'll definitely teach them again after a month. I also told the girls that. I really miss them and I really, really wish I could go back and teach them again. I learned to love those kids! Don't get me wrong, I also love my other students but Elisse and Carla are the closest to my heart. Even Elisse's little brother, Max, such a smart toddler. I promised myself that even if God will not allow me to teach them anymore, I'll keep track of the important events in their lives and I won't forget to sent them treats for their birthdays and the holidays.
DRAMA #3
So I lied about me being "tough enough to avoid guys" and that no guy could ever "tame" me. But there is this and only guy in school that I really care about. we barely know each other and I don't see him unless I plan to. He's not even one of my closest friends in school and vice versa. But when I realized I'm leaving school, I felt like I'm also leaving him and I won't see him ever again. It's actually pathetic coz I have his mobile phone number and I could always send him text messages or send him messages through Friendster but I still miss him. But why do I miss him when I spend almost all my life without him?
I've laid down everything and now I see a pattern-- all this drama is triggered by change and attachment to people. I'm scared of change and I don't want to cut my attachment to these people but I have to which makes me sad. That sounds so simple. But it really makes me feel miserable.
Everything was so simple at first and wasn't this what I wanted months ago? But why am I so afraid now? Maybe I've been in my comfort bubble for so long and now I'm forced to get out of it which is why I'm freaking out.
Lots of drama... I've been wanting to clean the corner of my room which usually gets messy every semester coz it's where I put my school stuff. I cleaned and cleaned the place while watching the LA Clippers and Phoenix Suns game as I sort out the papers and stuff. I found the cards Carla and Elisse gave me on my birthday which made me feel worse. Then my thesis stuff which reminded me that I really have to work on my thesis. Sorting... sorting... found something that really hit me. You see, I have this pathetic hobby of writing letters to guys but I don't send them. I usually pour my heart out on the papers and burn the letters after. It makes me feel good coz I get to say what's in my heart without letting the guy know what I really feel. So I wrote this letter to the guy I mentioned a while ago but I can't remember why I didn't burn the letter. I read it again then halfway through the letter, I started crying. The letter really made me cry or was it just one of the things that made me cry? It's so pathetic, I cried over a letter. I stopped reading the letter so I could finish cleaning. After cleaning I had lunch while watching NBA then I continued reading the letter and I started crying again. During commercials, I switched to MTV and they were playing mushy videos! I cried over the letter, Kelly Clarkson's "The Trouble with Love is", Debbie Gibson's "Lost in Your Eyes", and my most favorite song ever Shanice's "Saving Forever For You". Everything's just so pathetic! I feel so weak! Everyone knows how much I hate feeling weak. This is not the kind of drama I asked for.
Then I realized, it was a full moon. Ever heard of the saying, "People are different during full moon comes"?
Let me just analyze bit by bit so I could get a better perspective on this whole drama. Drama..... Months ago I wished for drama in my life but now that drama's in my life, I'm freakin'. Where do I start? Ok.....
DRAMA #1
Though I still have my thesis to finish, I'm not a full time student anymore but a newbie in a reputable company. So from a pampered (well, not really coz people don't consider me as their Royal Highness) student, I'm now one of the latest additions to the world of yuppies. I won't be spending most of my time in school except for thesis consultations which makes me sad coz I'm gonna miss school. As in everything in school. From my friends to the classes, to the cafeteria food to my allowances. FYI: my mom loves transitions so when she found out of my hustling schemes in college, she didn't pull out my whole allowance. She cut half every semester til I have no right to spend her money without paying her back. Nice of my mom to do that coz I was FORCED to be responsible with my own money. So there's a change in my social and financial environment.
DRAMA #2
Remember me blogging about keeping my other jobs? I had no choice but to drop one. What's sad was I had to drop my most favorite job-- teaching. To make it worse, it all happened so fast without giving me and the kids a chance to gradually accept I won't see them anymore. I didn't know what my schedule at work will be but I was certain it won't be in conflict with the time I spend with the girls. It was only the weekend before I start my job did I get my final schedule. The company gave me the 3pm to 11pm schedule. I usually teach them at around 3pm. See the conflict? Everything was so sudden coz that Saturday afternoon we were all happy having lunch and talking and no one knew that would be my last day with them. But if it's true that schedules in call centers change every month, I'll definitely teach them again after a month. I also told the girls that. I really miss them and I really, really wish I could go back and teach them again. I learned to love those kids! Don't get me wrong, I also love my other students but Elisse and Carla are the closest to my heart. Even Elisse's little brother, Max, such a smart toddler. I promised myself that even if God will not allow me to teach them anymore, I'll keep track of the important events in their lives and I won't forget to sent them treats for their birthdays and the holidays.
DRAMA #3
So I lied about me being "tough enough to avoid guys" and that no guy could ever "tame" me. But there is this and only guy in school that I really care about. we barely know each other and I don't see him unless I plan to. He's not even one of my closest friends in school and vice versa. But when I realized I'm leaving school, I felt like I'm also leaving him and I won't see him ever again. It's actually pathetic coz I have his mobile phone number and I could always send him text messages or send him messages through Friendster but I still miss him. But why do I miss him when I spend almost all my life without him?
I've laid down everything and now I see a pattern-- all this drama is triggered by change and attachment to people. I'm scared of change and I don't want to cut my attachment to these people but I have to which makes me sad. That sounds so simple. But it really makes me feel miserable.
Everything was so simple at first and wasn't this what I wanted months ago? But why am I so afraid now? Maybe I've been in my comfort bubble for so long and now I'm forced to get out of it which is why I'm freaking out.
Lots of drama... I've been wanting to clean the corner of my room which usually gets messy every semester coz it's where I put my school stuff. I cleaned and cleaned the place while watching the LA Clippers and Phoenix Suns game as I sort out the papers and stuff. I found the cards Carla and Elisse gave me on my birthday which made me feel worse. Then my thesis stuff which reminded me that I really have to work on my thesis. Sorting... sorting... found something that really hit me. You see, I have this pathetic hobby of writing letters to guys but I don't send them. I usually pour my heart out on the papers and burn the letters after. It makes me feel good coz I get to say what's in my heart without letting the guy know what I really feel. So I wrote this letter to the guy I mentioned a while ago but I can't remember why I didn't burn the letter. I read it again then halfway through the letter, I started crying. The letter really made me cry or was it just one of the things that made me cry? It's so pathetic, I cried over a letter. I stopped reading the letter so I could finish cleaning. After cleaning I had lunch while watching NBA then I continued reading the letter and I started crying again. During commercials, I switched to MTV and they were playing mushy videos! I cried over the letter, Kelly Clarkson's "The Trouble with Love is", Debbie Gibson's "Lost in Your Eyes", and my most favorite song ever Shanice's "Saving Forever For You". Everything's just so pathetic! I feel so weak! Everyone knows how much I hate feeling weak. This is not the kind of drama I asked for.
Then I realized, it was a full moon. Ever heard of the saying, "People are different during full moon comes"?
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