I grew up listening to songs by Madonna, Patti Austin, the Cure, Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson and of course Michael Jackson. My childhood soundtrack includes songs from these iconic artists and I feel really bad over the death of Michael Jackson. I remember learning my ABC’s and 1,2,3’s while listening to Jackson 5’s ABC—from my mom’s Motown hits collection. My mom thought I’d learn my basic letters and numbers better if I have something fun to listen to.
Over the weekend, I decided to play my collection of Jacko songs. My most favorite Jacko song is I’ll Be There. Well, it’s not officially a Jacko song since Michael sang it while he was still part of Jackson 5. The best line there is “… I’ll be there to protect you, with an unselfish love that respects you…”—this line says it all, no explanation needed.
Songs really have this mysterious way of forcing you to remember your significant other. I planned a weekend devoted to only me—no work, no him—but still, I was taken over. So I came up with top 10 songs I’d sing to him if I had the chance and the voice (I lose my voice whenever I’m nervous). I also added the lines that really struck me for bonus effect. Haha!
10. One Day in Your Life by Michael Jackson
This is the initial song that ruined my “devoted only to me” weekend. It reminded me of my fear of the future as discussed on my recent article.
Trigger line: “… one day in your life when you find that you’re always waiting… you’ll remember me somehow…”
9. You Don’t See Me by PCD
This song was released by the PCD when Carmen Electra was still their lead vocal. I can’t remember how many times I’ve played this over and over during the most depressing moments of my life—I call those moments, my analytical moments because I analyze the situation that bothers me until I get tired.
Trigger line: “… is this how the book ends, nothing but good friends…”
8. Saving Forever by Shanice (OST Beverly Hills 90210)
Yup, I’m saving my forever for him. I’m very vocal about me not having plans to get married but if he’s the man I’ll marry, yes, I’ll walk down the aisle and spend my forever with him—Apple and _ _ _ _ _ _ _ happily ever after.
Trigger line: “…you are the only one I’ll ever give forever to…”
7. In my life by Patti Austin
I used to call this “the song for all spinsters a.k.a the matandang dalaga song” because this is the favorite song of my titas who never got married (they never fail to sing it during family videoke parties) but it also never fails to touch me especially now that after all I’ve worked hard for, someone is still missing in my life. He is still missing in my life. Warning: Queen Hotness’ road to spinsterhood. The Virgin Queen of the new millennium?
Trigger line: “…still there’s no me and you here in my life…”
6. Going Crazy by Natalie
Natalie used to be a cheerleader for the Houston Rockets before she had her own album. Since she released this single, I’ve loved her songs ever since. Most of them are upbeat girly songs but this song is a bit slow. This is on repeat mode every time I miss him.
Trigger line: “… i’d rather have you here with me, right next to me…”
5. I’ll Be There by the Jackson 5
As mentioned earlier, this is my most favorite Jacko song and I’ll not only sing it to him but to all the important people in the world.
Trigger line: “...i’ll be there to protect you with an unselfish love that respects you…”
4. Pictures of You by the Cure
My older cousins love the Cure so I learned to love them too. When you grow up listening to certain artists all your formative years, you’ll really love them. Aside from that, I love their song writing style—very poetic—just the way I always like it.
Trigger line: “…there was nothing in the world that i ever wanted more than to feel you deep in my heart…”
3. Breakdown by Mariah Carey
This song hits the spot. It’s for those who pretend they’re fine without someone but at the end of the day, they just breakdown. It’s so me! Every waking day of my life I drag myself through the day pretending I’m the happiest person in the world but I’m not. I really am not because he’s not with me.
Trigger line: “… i’m going through extremes to prove i’m fine without you… i wear my disguise til i go home at night and turn down all the lights then i break down and cry…”
2. Love Song by the Cure
Try listening to 311’s version of this song. It’s one of the best remakes for me—they did justice to the Cure’s version. 311’s version is part of the soundtrack of 50 First Dates (is this the right Adam Sandler movie?) but the Cure’s version is more special to me since it is part of my childhood.
Trigger line: “…however far away, i will always love you….”
1. Thank God I Found You by Mariah Carey, Joe and 98 degrees
Do I need to explain why this song topped my list? Can I hire a historian who would document all the relationships I’ve had and relate it to this song? This song is all about thanking the Father because after all I’ve been through, I finally found my One.
Trigger line: “… you brought the sunlight completing my whole life i’m overwhelmed with gratitude my baby i’m so thankful i found you…”
That’s it. I just realized after months of being stagnant, I finally had the passion to write again. This may be the result of not having the chance to say to the intended person what I really feel so now I find fulfillment in writing about it. Talk about contentment…
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Alleged Soul Mate or Destined Soul Mate?
Ok….. After so many months, I decided to update my blog. A lot of things—really complicated things—have been going on. If I only have the magic to escape this web of issues, I’ve escaped a long time ago…
I’ll just list down some of the issues that have been really, as in really bothering me over the past 1 year and 4 months.
Issue number 1:
I met my soul mate but I was too dumb, scared and proud to admit it.
One year and four months ago, I met him—the guy who turned my whole life around. I remember blogging about me being on the right track, accepting things as they are, work, work, work and work but after I met this guy, I realized I’m not on the right track. I realized I wanna be with this guy until forever and a day. But it took me a few months and a couple of flings to realize that I LOVE HIM.
To make things worse, he’s friends with one of my ex-flings. How did it happen? Well, some really strange but strong power urged me to go out to dinner with a friend one work night. As work-devoted as I am or was before I met my alleged soul mate (new word I’ve invented to describe a person who you think is your soul mate but both of you have drifted apart—I hope this is not my case), I really don’t go out on a work night but something in my heart of hearts urged me to go. My thought at that time—might as well experience even for once going out on a work night—such a bad thought.
So I met him and my ex-fling and all the other guys. The moment I saw him, I felt really strange that I could not explain why or how. I just found myself staring at him throughout dinner and him staring at me too (probably wondering why I was staring at him—embarrassing on my part!). But I ended up with his friend at the end of the night because I got too shy from staring at him too much that I decided to divert my attention to someone—bad decision.
Hence, my impromptu boyfriend (a man who immediately became your boyfriend because he announced to your common friends that you’re now a couple—girls should be assertive enough to resist this type of men) who is his friend entered my life. So my soul mate and I drifted apart over the months I’m with his friend. Tough he would text from time to time and I always found myself thinking of him more than my significant other at that time, I convinced myself he’s just some random guy in my life.
A few months after my impromptu boyfriend and I broke up (I guess I posted a really pathetic article about him before), my soul mate (I don’t want to refer him as an alleged soul mate) was present again in my life. Then issues (or should I say sub-issues since this is issue number 1) came and are still unresolved up to date.
Sub issue a: He invited me to a movie premiere and I became a wallflower—totally neglected by him who invited me.
Sub issue b: I remembered him inviting me to this and that thing but would not follow up his invites which made me feel bad because I wanna be with him.
Sub issue c: I was not properly invited to this event (even if his friends asked me to come up with the event’s theme) but he invited some random girl. Then he asked me why I didn’t come to the event only because he was reprimanded about me not coming to the event.
I don’t know what the average number of girls have done this, but I waited for him at a bus station in Pampanga for more than 9 hours and he never came. To start off, I don’t know why I’ve been too dumb to follow his friend’s advice that I surprise my soul mate on Valentine’s day by visiting him at his work 3 hours away from Manila at 8:30 in the evening. So now when people I travel with complain about waiting for a couple of hours or so, I tell them my story just to make them feel better.
Then I started seeing other guys and I feel like I’m going in circles because I always find out he knows them or nothing can compare to him at all. So I chose the lesser evil, I decided not to date anymore to avoid hurting guys and I don’t wanna fool myself anymore. My heart says it’s him. He’s the one. But I spent too much time convincing myself that he’s not the one and now that I learned to accept it, I don’t know where he is now. I could text or call or leave him an offline message but I could not do it because I’m afraid of his reaction which brings us to issue number 2.
Issue number 2
I’m afraid of a future without him in it.
As Neyo says in his song “Together” (the song I keep singing whenever I think of him), my heart is sure it wants to be with him. So I opted to stop dating now because I’m tired of convincing myself that I don’t love him. One time, I woke up really scared of the future. I remember how excited I was of the future before I met him. But now, I’m afraid to face the future if he is not part of my future. Whatever is happening to me! Who is this guy that made me suddenly stop and rearrange my life so he can fit in it? Maybe I spent too much time rearranging my life because by the time I’m ready to have him in my world, all the unresolved issues have piled up. Now I have nothing but a big hole in my world where he’s supposed to fit.
A lot of times I just wanna face him and tell him everything that I feel for him but I’m held back by my mom, our society set up and my own pride. My mom always tells me she’d never seen me so in love like this before. But I have to be self-controlled enough not to show all my feelings. My question, what if it’s the only way to let him know? Then it sizzles down to my fear of him not giving me the response I want. Besides, it’s not “normal” in our ever patriarchal society for a girl to show her feelings. Whatever happened to me being the Royal Hotness? The Queen Hotness who always wins her battles? Is my kingdom falling apart? This invisible war has been waging for quite some time now and I’m getting tired.
After all I’ve been through, I don’t want him to be just an alleged soul mate. I want him to be my destined soul mate. But is it fair enough? Or am I being selfish? I’ve never been this confused in my whole life. I thought I’ve learned all that I need to learn but everything’s new when it’s related to him. Where will I go from here? Maybe I’ll start off with redesigning my blog. This blog started as an online journalism project way back in college and is now my new outlet for stress. I need to change the playlist, the pictures, the color, what else? That is if I have the time. I’ve been really busy with work which I am very thankful for. My work keeps me sane enough in the midst of all these issues…To be continued…..
I’ll just list down some of the issues that have been really, as in really bothering me over the past 1 year and 4 months.
Issue number 1:
I met my soul mate but I was too dumb, scared and proud to admit it.
One year and four months ago, I met him—the guy who turned my whole life around. I remember blogging about me being on the right track, accepting things as they are, work, work, work and work but after I met this guy, I realized I’m not on the right track. I realized I wanna be with this guy until forever and a day. But it took me a few months and a couple of flings to realize that I LOVE HIM.
To make things worse, he’s friends with one of my ex-flings. How did it happen? Well, some really strange but strong power urged me to go out to dinner with a friend one work night. As work-devoted as I am or was before I met my alleged soul mate (new word I’ve invented to describe a person who you think is your soul mate but both of you have drifted apart—I hope this is not my case), I really don’t go out on a work night but something in my heart of hearts urged me to go. My thought at that time—might as well experience even for once going out on a work night—such a bad thought.
So I met him and my ex-fling and all the other guys. The moment I saw him, I felt really strange that I could not explain why or how. I just found myself staring at him throughout dinner and him staring at me too (probably wondering why I was staring at him—embarrassing on my part!). But I ended up with his friend at the end of the night because I got too shy from staring at him too much that I decided to divert my attention to someone—bad decision.
Hence, my impromptu boyfriend (a man who immediately became your boyfriend because he announced to your common friends that you’re now a couple—girls should be assertive enough to resist this type of men) who is his friend entered my life. So my soul mate and I drifted apart over the months I’m with his friend. Tough he would text from time to time and I always found myself thinking of him more than my significant other at that time, I convinced myself he’s just some random guy in my life.
A few months after my impromptu boyfriend and I broke up (I guess I posted a really pathetic article about him before), my soul mate (I don’t want to refer him as an alleged soul mate) was present again in my life. Then issues (or should I say sub-issues since this is issue number 1) came and are still unresolved up to date.
Sub issue a: He invited me to a movie premiere and I became a wallflower—totally neglected by him who invited me.
Sub issue b: I remembered him inviting me to this and that thing but would not follow up his invites which made me feel bad because I wanna be with him.
Sub issue c: I was not properly invited to this event (even if his friends asked me to come up with the event’s theme) but he invited some random girl. Then he asked me why I didn’t come to the event only because he was reprimanded about me not coming to the event.
I don’t know what the average number of girls have done this, but I waited for him at a bus station in Pampanga for more than 9 hours and he never came. To start off, I don’t know why I’ve been too dumb to follow his friend’s advice that I surprise my soul mate on Valentine’s day by visiting him at his work 3 hours away from Manila at 8:30 in the evening. So now when people I travel with complain about waiting for a couple of hours or so, I tell them my story just to make them feel better.
Then I started seeing other guys and I feel like I’m going in circles because I always find out he knows them or nothing can compare to him at all. So I chose the lesser evil, I decided not to date anymore to avoid hurting guys and I don’t wanna fool myself anymore. My heart says it’s him. He’s the one. But I spent too much time convincing myself that he’s not the one and now that I learned to accept it, I don’t know where he is now. I could text or call or leave him an offline message but I could not do it because I’m afraid of his reaction which brings us to issue number 2.
Issue number 2
I’m afraid of a future without him in it.
As Neyo says in his song “Together” (the song I keep singing whenever I think of him), my heart is sure it wants to be with him. So I opted to stop dating now because I’m tired of convincing myself that I don’t love him. One time, I woke up really scared of the future. I remember how excited I was of the future before I met him. But now, I’m afraid to face the future if he is not part of my future. Whatever is happening to me! Who is this guy that made me suddenly stop and rearrange my life so he can fit in it? Maybe I spent too much time rearranging my life because by the time I’m ready to have him in my world, all the unresolved issues have piled up. Now I have nothing but a big hole in my world where he’s supposed to fit.
A lot of times I just wanna face him and tell him everything that I feel for him but I’m held back by my mom, our society set up and my own pride. My mom always tells me she’d never seen me so in love like this before. But I have to be self-controlled enough not to show all my feelings. My question, what if it’s the only way to let him know? Then it sizzles down to my fear of him not giving me the response I want. Besides, it’s not “normal” in our ever patriarchal society for a girl to show her feelings. Whatever happened to me being the Royal Hotness? The Queen Hotness who always wins her battles? Is my kingdom falling apart? This invisible war has been waging for quite some time now and I’m getting tired.
After all I’ve been through, I don’t want him to be just an alleged soul mate. I want him to be my destined soul mate. But is it fair enough? Or am I being selfish? I’ve never been this confused in my whole life. I thought I’ve learned all that I need to learn but everything’s new when it’s related to him. Where will I go from here? Maybe I’ll start off with redesigning my blog. This blog started as an online journalism project way back in college and is now my new outlet for stress. I need to change the playlist, the pictures, the color, what else? That is if I have the time. I’ve been really busy with work which I am very thankful for. My work keeps me sane enough in the midst of all these issues…To be continued…..
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