The boyfriends that never were-- the main topic of me and Leanne's talk over two rounds of tall cafe mocha at Starbucks last Monday (yeah, the sugar overload). It was raining really hard and we were in Starbucks Galleria "monopolyzing" the most comfortable couch while putting in a few pounds. Leanne's a gradeschool friend now based in Cali who takes her regular vacations here. She says she can't stand the West Coast heat so she endures the tropical storms here. She's a soul sistah like most of my girl friends abroad.

The conversation was doing quite well. Updates on school, jobs, our life long dreams of living in a far away land and making it on our own until she brought up my dreaded topic-- guys. I answered her as honestly as I could and told her I'm practically fine with my "guyless" life now. School, work, my family and friends eat up most of my time so there's no way I could have time for dates and hang outs with men I barely know. Then she mentioned this guy. I can't blame her for that coz this guy is the only guy I've been telling her and my other friends for the past couple of years which made them think he is a stable part of my life. Well... he used to be.

I've been avoiding the issue regarding this guy for months now and I realized no matter how far I run away from it (or from any issue in my life), it'll still get me. Leanne's a friend who would really press you until she gets all the info. So I told her everything--how I made this guy one of the most important people in my world, how long I've waited hoping we would be more than friends, stuff that made me think he's the one and how hurt I was coz I didn't only lose this guy but I also lost our friendship which is the worst part of it. She asked me what are the top five relationships in my life. I told her my relationship with God, my relationship with my mom, my relationship with my career and the people in it, my relationship with this guy and my relationship with friends. She told me to analyze which is different among the five relationships I mentioned. I couldn't answer coz I really don't see any difference. Then to my surprise, she said my relationship with this guy was different. Why? Coz all the other relationships give me assurance. They are all mutual relationships except for my relationship with this guy. I am assured of God's love for me, I am assured of my mom's constant guidance, I am assured of a nice career especially after I gradute and I am sure my friends are always there for me no matter where in the globe they are. But with this guy, I don't even know how important I am in his life.

It looks unfair to me if I see it through an egoistic perspective coz he is so happy with his life while I was here desperately wishing on every star for things to work out between us. But truth is, this guy never did anything wrong. I was just so dumb to let my guards down for this guy. I mean, I've been keeping my defenses up from all guys that come my way for the last three years after a major break-up but I gave this guy all the chances I could give. Lesson number one here-- never categorize the men in your life. If you date this guy, date all guys.

I loved this guy unconditionally. I never expect anything in return and I never asked. Well, except for this event I so wanted to see with him and I profusely asked him to drive six hours to Manila for that and that was the last talk. Good thing he didn't give in to my demand. I know he didn't appreciate the things I did for him but I never held that against him. Lesson number two-- unless it's a relationship with God, never sacrifice your whole self with any guy. You only sacrifice the things that you have and not your entire self. So does your partner. That's why there are trade offs and compromises. You give something up, he gives something up too for the two of you to have a stronger bond. It's not a one way street, honey.

Sugar loading on a stormy day with one of my best soul sistahs can really be an eye-opener. I learned two lessons in life which I know, are really simple but hey, I learned it the hard way. Another thing that I learned, this guy is also my boyfriend that never was. Now with the list of my boyfriends that never were, I really, absolutely, truly believe God didn't make me for a guy. Super grateful to Leanne for making me finally settle the "this guy" issue over double rounds of cafe mocha-- our official sugary goodness. Case closed.