Alleged Soul Mate or Destined Soul Mate?

Ok….. After so many months, I decided to update my blog. A lot of things—really complicated things—have been going on. If I only have the magic to escape this web of issues, I’ve escaped a long time ago…

I’ll just list down some of the issues that have been really, as in really bothering me over the past 1 year and 4 months.

Issue number 1:

I met my soul mate but I was too dumb, scared and proud to admit it.

One year and four months ago, I met him—the guy who turned my whole life around. I remember blogging about me being on the right track, accepting things as they are, work, work, work and work but after I met this guy, I realized I’m not on the right track. I realized I wanna be with this guy until forever and a day. But it took me a few months and a couple of flings to realize that I LOVE HIM.

To make things worse, he’s friends with one of my ex-flings. How did it happen? Well, some really strange but strong power urged me to go out to dinner with a friend one work night. As work-devoted as I am or was before I met my alleged soul mate (new word I’ve invented to describe a person who you think is your soul mate but both of you have drifted apart—I hope this is not my case), I really don’t go out on a work night but something in my heart of hearts urged me to go. My thought at that time—might as well experience even for once going out on a work night—such a bad thought.

So I met him and my ex-fling and all the other guys. The moment I saw him, I felt really strange that I could not explain why or how. I just found myself staring at him throughout dinner and him staring at me too (probably wondering why I was staring at him—embarrassing on my part!). But I ended up with his friend at the end of the night because I got too shy from staring at him too much that I decided to divert my attention to someone—bad decision.

Hence, my impromptu boyfriend (a man who immediately became your boyfriend because he announced to your common friends that you’re now a couple—girls should be assertive enough to resist this type of men) who is his friend entered my life. So my soul mate and I drifted apart over the months I’m with his friend. Tough he would text from time to time and I always found myself thinking of him more than my significant other at that time, I convinced myself he’s just some random guy in my life.

A few months after my impromptu boyfriend and I broke up (I guess I posted a really pathetic article about him before), my soul mate (I don’t want to refer him as an alleged soul mate) was present again in my life. Then issues (or should I say sub-issues since this is issue number 1) came and are still unresolved up to date.

Sub issue a: He invited me to a movie premiere and I became a wallflower—totally neglected by him who invited me.

Sub issue b: I remembered him inviting me to this and that thing but would not follow up his invites which made me feel bad because I wanna be with him.

Sub issue c: I was not properly invited to this event (even if his friends asked me to come up with the event’s theme) but he invited some random girl. Then he asked me why I didn’t come to the event only because he was reprimanded about me not coming to the event.

I don’t know what the average number of girls have done this, but I waited for him at a bus station in Pampanga for more than 9 hours and he never came. To start off, I don’t know why I’ve been too dumb to follow his friend’s advice that I surprise my soul mate on Valentine’s day by visiting him at his work 3 hours away from Manila at 8:30 in the evening. So now when people I travel with complain about waiting for a couple of hours or so, I tell them my story just to make them feel better.

Then I started seeing other guys and I feel like I’m going in circles because I always find out he knows them or nothing can compare to him at all. So I chose the lesser evil, I decided not to date anymore to avoid hurting guys and I don’t wanna fool myself anymore. My heart says it’s him. He’s the one. But I spent too much time convincing myself that he’s not the one and now that I learned to accept it, I don’t know where he is now. I could text or call or leave him an offline message but I could not do it because I’m afraid of his reaction which brings us to issue number 2.

Issue number 2

I’m afraid of a future without him in it.

As Neyo says in his song “Together” (the song I keep singing whenever I think of him), my heart is sure it wants to be with him. So I opted to stop dating now because I’m tired of convincing myself that I don’t love him. One time, I woke up really scared of the future. I remember how excited I was of the future before I met him. But now, I’m afraid to face the future if he is not part of my future. Whatever is happening to me! Who is this guy that made me suddenly stop and rearrange my life so he can fit in it? Maybe I spent too much time rearranging my life because by the time I’m ready to have him in my world, all the unresolved issues have piled up. Now I have nothing but a big hole in my world where he’s supposed to fit.

A lot of times I just wanna face him and tell him everything that I feel for him but I’m held back by my mom, our society set up and my own pride. My mom always tells me she’d never seen me so in love like this before. But I have to be self-controlled enough not to show all my feelings. My question, what if it’s the only way to let him know? Then it sizzles down to my fear of him not giving me the response I want. Besides, it’s not “normal” in our ever patriarchal society for a girl to show her feelings. Whatever happened to me being the Royal Hotness? The Queen Hotness who always wins her battles? Is my kingdom falling apart? This invisible war has been waging for quite some time now and I’m getting tired.

After all I’ve been through, I don’t want him to be just an alleged soul mate. I want him to be my destined soul mate. But is it fair enough? Or am I being selfish? I’ve never been this confused in my whole life. I thought I’ve learned all that I need to learn but everything’s new when it’s related to him. Where will I go from here? Maybe I’ll start off with redesigning my blog. This blog started as an online journalism project way back in college and is now my new outlet for stress. I need to change the playlist, the pictures, the color, what else? That is if I have the time. I’ve been really busy with work which I am very thankful for. My work keeps me sane enough in the midst of all these issues…To be continued…..